reflections
July 15th, 2014 UnRepentant

Perhaps it was the umpteenth person that pulled me aside to ask, “Why haven’t you blogged?” that’s prompted my blog now, almost a year later. Or perhaps its that I am finally beginning to heal.
I haven’t been able to blog simply because of my own emotional battle I’ve encountered. So many shifts in my life that I haven’t felt concrete enough to stand up to this blog. It’s my platform and one I take seriously. A glimpse into my philosophies and what I stand for.
On this occassion, I have battled staying centered, focused and fulfilling what I believe is my purpose and I know it. Coming back to this page after Crockett’s passing and seeing my last post has just been another heap of painful on a very difficult year that I just didn’t want to address. I wasn’t ready to address.
My last blog I didn’t know Crockett would only be with me a few more days. His untimely and tragic passing sidelined me harder than the bout of chronic adrenal fatigue I’ve been battling since June of 2013.
I couldn’t write or blog. My spirit seems sapped of whatever spark it had to try and make a stand in the world after Crockett died. My little buddy. My partner in crime.
Coming back to the blog page I’d see his photo and be reminded of what I know. That animals possess a keen ability to KNOW when their time is short. I’m in awe of this. It’s a tangible link between this life and the next.
I’ve seen it so many times and this time, I just can’t forgive myself for not taking the time to move through each day carefully protecting my herd. I put my attentions elsewhere and got sidetracked by things that just don’t matter that much.
You see, horses, and my animals mean life to me. Their presence makes this life bearable.
O, I’ve been told I’m too sensitive. That I need to toughen up. That my feelings about this don’t matter or are too emotional.
I don’t believe that despite some serious self analyzing.
Crockett did what he did because he KNEW he was leaving. His passing left me with a message I can’t ignore.
Read my blog dated September 2013. Crockett, and Aemelie’s behaviors were atypical. I can see that now.
A simple nudge that I wake up, be aware and in honor of my calling. To not waste another day pursuing activities that don’t speak to my calling, my passion and gifts. My higher calling.
I tried to blog after Crockett died.
He was killed tragically when he bled to death after hitting his head. He was spooked by pigs that shouldn’t have been out of their pens. They escaped, foraged down around the shelter where they came upon Crockett getting his morning drink. When he spun from being surprised by them he ran his head into the side of the shelter. I found him just as he as taking his last breaths. I will never be the same. Watching him die was no easier than watching my Mother die.
This year that’s passed has brought a closure to so many things. So much of my journey has been in this single year. And now its clear I need to focus. To redefine…WHO I AM.
Its easy when you’re young, have nothing but optimism and energy. Harder when you’ve been hit by things in life that just sap your energy and leave you grasping for direction.
This past year has been a lot like that. But also illuminating and wonderful, like the moment that comes when your heart and soul make profound leaps of honor in self awareness. This has happened to me a lot of late and the transformation and powerful emotions are difficult to share only because they are mixed with the darker emotions of fear and failure.
Funny how this mixture always walk side by side, giving us a choice of what we want to choose.
I choose to move forward. To realize better my calling, my destiny and what it all means. At least to try.
It seems so many of the things I’ve put my energy into have faded, been taken away or just not worked, that the path is now wide open, staring me in the face, daring to do what Crockett told the communicator I was to do. Share my message. Never stop. Because I am a teacher and protector of horses and humans, like it or not.
I can’t dishonor his legacy. He took the time to say goodbye to me, although I didn’t know it at the time. The blog I wrote described his mannerisms as unusual. But really, they were just usual. His love manifested in a moment that will always be with me on this side of life. Animals so often are this way. Transparent in their love for us. Unconditional. And teachers. Before Black died he and I spent a lovely evening together the night before he became sick.
I don’t think this is unusual, only that we as humans miss it. I am glad I am super tuned to the Universe, despite the fact it causes me emotional and spiritual pain that is sometimes overwhelming and overpowering. I observed the horses stand vigil over Black’s body and they honored Crockett the same after his passing, standing vigil where he fell, converging on the area and standing there for several hours to rest and bask in the sun, even though the area he fell is not where they normally do this as a herd.
These observations aren’t lost, they’re mine. Mine to own. Mine to share. And mine to use as inspiration that I’ve been hit by a few things in life but that there is still time to work, live, love, laugh and experience the essences of life. All of them. And so I shall. Unrepentant for my connection with this life, Universe and all of the animals and humans in it.

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