reflections
January 15th, 2013 Question and Manifest

This week has been house keeping….and cleaning. The 2013 energy is already affecting me, pushing me to finish my book and get it into hard cover or downloadable as an ebook instead of the .pdf file its saved in now. Not only is the Universe pushing me, so are people that are close to me.
In a moment of inspiration and intuition, I received a much needed push from my Mom that has prompted me to renew my creative processes. I’ve pushed some of life’s distractions aside to meditate, create and form new, positive relationships with the here and now.
My motivation has improved. This has been a focus for me over the past six months. Last year at about this time I took two separate psychological evaluations to determine where I was on different levels of my being. My motivation surprisingly was on the lower end (although still accomplished) of the scale. This bothered me and I’ve spent this time trying to figure out WHY. Oh, I have plenty of reasons, events and details, but truly, none of these are the WHY my motivation has been so low. Everything else was quite high on the tests, showing that my coping skills are working fine, it’s just my motivation that’s tainted.
I suppose this can be explained away, or can it? This past week I’ve realized that my perfect plan isn’t perfect. It never will be. I’ve been able to set aside the executive in me (the one that’s a manager and attuned to detail and organization that lack of which drives me crazy) to clutter my thinking space with the radical idea that I can do what I do and not give a shit WHY or the outcome. I can do it for the sheer joy of doing it.
Since I’ve made this decision my mental processes have been unleashed. The dam has broken and my ideas are pouring forth faster than I can attend to them. This probably comes from the incredible control I’ve had to exercise while I’ve balanced a boat load of responsibilities.
These responsibilities are still there but since I’ve broken through my mental anxiety and fear of having to shoulder these under my self-perceived pretense that I cannot fail or else, I’ve begun to see things in a totally different light.
Like coming out of a fog I am seeing clearly for the first time that life, while it has a life of its own, isn’t predictable, controllable or even stable.
Security is a myth. A lie.
We can be young and virtually healthy and be struck by a catastrophic event or disease.
Our lives are fragile, so it begs the questions I’ve been asking myself all this past week….
What am I doing to live to the highest manifestation of my best self?