reflections
October 30th, 2012 Head Above Water

Blank pages have never scared me. I’ve never suffered writers block. Every damn thought in my head ends up on paper sooner or later! In high school I dominated the journalism class by pouring our article after article…and being told brevity, brevity, brevity!
Somehow that skill eluded me until such time as life’s pressures have conditioned me to create brevity, brevity, brevity so that I can finish even the smallest of projects before the tidal wave of life rolls over me again.
Storms come and go in life but someone the big storm Sandy has touched a raw nerve. Mostly because I see so many parallels with my own life. Infrastructure. Hard work. Planning. Execution. Build, build, build. And one little storm can blow it all down. Kinda makes you feel small in the grand scheme of things.
This past week I have been mindfully paying attention to my health (because my horoscope said to) and pounding away at a project that is literally the life or death of our company.
Why o why do I allow myself to get backed into a corner before I act? I tolerate working best under pressure, then back up, do it all over again, and celebrate that I work best under pressure.
Truthfully, it stinks. Or does it?
This past week I’ve been constantly reminded to be thankful. For even the smallest of things!
“Your life as a number 8 (the executive) plus Saturn in your sign predisposes you to work harder than usual.” Was my big piece of enlightening encouragement this week.
For those new to numerology, I have all of the classic, Uh OH’s. I am an executive and workaholic but crave serenity through nature and animals and the two do battle as I try to balance harmony and tranquility with utter madness toward success. Whew. Makes me tired just typing it.
Knowing one’s self is a gift I guess. Knowing those around you too.
When the proverbial shit hits the fan you can choose to bring out the weaker side of your personality or exercise the one that’s seeking enlightenment and truth. This week I’ve had ample opportunity to do both. I remain consistently attached to imagining that I can get away with blaming others for that opportunity. Somehow though, the requirement to be responsible for me and my team though, pulls me out of my euphoria and brow beats me into the submissive reality that I am no different than anyone else so if I want to get something accomplished, I have to stick to doing it on my own as best as I can, one step at a time, no matter what the outcome might be.
You see, that’s the singular focus most forget. We are really only responsible for ourselves. That is not to say that we should be selfish in our intent. No. As life hands us complications, we should take care of ourselves responsibly understanding that our action affect more than just ourselves.
In this sad time of catastrophe I am reminded how trivial it is to seek our fortunes when the realness of life is that we are truly here to serve one another.
Of course, I can’t help but draw parallels to the rising tide of Hurricane Sandy on the East coast that to do so is at the risk of keeping our heads above water.
Yes, I know. Like the floods hitting the shores of the East Coast, my writing too is a little deep. Bear with me. Like the water washes clean the land so my writing washes away the jumble of worry in my mind as I work through this crazy sexy thing called life.

October 16th, 2012 RELOAD

Inspiration finds me in the weakest of my hours and raps on the door to my consciousness.
Today and most days I am forced to review my intentions. Today was no different.
What is it that drives me to obsess with my own well-being and that of others?
This week’s been an emotional struggle and one that has brought me to tears and fits of wailing for my long passed Mother (who was always ready for my childish outbursts with words og wisdom and infinite love). And then finally, a review of a reading I had with a psychic almost two years ago. Thank goodness he digitally captured the words of my guides for me.
As I listened to my reading I was amazed at how the guidance of two years ago was still so relevant!
A search through my horoscope and internet crumbs of insight and inspiration and I was still grappling with my demons.
It seems that no favoritism is shown even for those who are seeking enlightenment and yet, somehow it still comforted me to know that at least in my awareness that my purpose was sincere.
I reviewed the months of my year and found that yes, my role must be less the healer for a little while and much that of one who seeks healing.
So much has happened in both my life and those of my loved ones around me.
A perfect example was an interaction with a long lost acquaintance whose chance meeting didn’t go as well as I had expected.
Where or where does our innocence go when we aren’t being watchful and vigilant?
A desperate feeling of sorrow washes over me.
We are designed to love and yet, we are incapable of providing all of the love we need on our own.
Why?
Wouldn’t it be simpler if we could?
I reflected on a manuscript. One I wrote. And traveled back to the time when in a cathartic two week sabbatical I pounded out the spirit of my life’s lessons and called it my book.
And then realized that love sometimes isn’t defined in our own interpretation.
The book was a product of sacrifice.
Not mine.
I had to leave my station in life to work on the book. A process I found extremely profound and enjoyable at the time.
That didn’t happen without support. Someone else had to feed the animals. Take care of the bills. Battle on with life as I checked out momentarily to pursue a dream to educate in one of the oldest known ways. By writing.
So here I am again, reflecting on the need to purge through the written word and remaining vigilant to embracing only the positive and not the negatives of the rawness of human emotion.
And remembering a lesson I learned in the passion of a near death experience….
That we must be light. And lLove. And truth. Even if the world reflected around us in anything but.