January 25th, 2011 I WANT MY MOMMA!!!

For those of you who read this blog and have wondered, “Now why don’t she write?” I lost my Mom to a very aggressive form of metastatic cancer December 24, 2010.  This time I have a very good excuse for why it has been so long between posts.

I had no warning of this loss. My Mom visited Kirk and I in November, spending a week with us that was to be my last memories of spending time with my Mom. Had I known this I would have held on to her tight and never let her get on that damn plane for home.  I had a gut feeling even then that everything was not allright with my Mom despite the fact that she assured me throughout the week she was with us that she was fine. 

My Mom and I have always been very close.  We had the kind of relationship that movies are based on.  Not the disfunctional ones that take you through one drama to the next but the kind of movie that leaves you wishing you had that extraordinary person in your life that movies portray.  My Mom was wonderful and one of her favorite movies was “Pay it Forward”.
December 18th I called my Mom to excitedly tell her about the latest happenings at the farm and to see how she was doing. Instead of chatting excitedly as we always do I heard something in her voice that gave me chills and then in absolute horror I listened to her cough.  It was a cough that sent chills down my spine and I can’t explain it but shook me to my core.  I’ve been around a lot of animals and I’ve seen a lot of them die.  Her cough wasn’t just a casual cough.  I asked her if she was OK.  She valiantly said that she was.  It was just an infection she said.
I KNEW something was wrong and told her so.  I fell apart.  She didn’t argue with my idea to climb into the truck to head for Idaho. That was not like my frugal minded MOM.
Don’t ask me how I knew. I just did. Another residual side effect of having keen intuition. Sometimes its a F****** curse.
I drove 24 hours without sleep stopping only twice when the horrific snow storm that blanketed Montana and Idaho would not let me drive any further. I pressed on, frantic to reach my Mom.
I arrived in Idaho on Monday afternoon and immediately took my Mom to the emergency room in Lewiston, Idaho.   That was the 20th.  CAT scans revealed she had cancer in her liver, ovaries and stomach glands. She died Christmas Eve.  That was the 24th.
I am still reeling and grief stricten.
But I promised her…she made me promise, that I would write again when I could.
As it is I am crying tears that just won’t seem to stop and sneak up on me despite my bravest efforts.  I don’t care.  I want to cry.  I want to be angry for awhile.  I am angry.  Angry at how brutal life can me. 
I was able to say goodbye to my Mom and this gift is so precious in the aftermath.
On the Monday I took her to the ER she begged me not to tell or call anyone. She thought she would go home and have time to set her affairs in order.
I disobeyed and called my brothers, sister and my Dad.
It was an act I will never regret. We were all able to say goodbye and my Mom thanked me for this last act of rebellion. I’ve always been her “fiesty” one she said to me affectionately.
Now without my Mom I am not the same person I was. I am not whole and yet, she gave me so many things that I am also better and bigger emotionally and spiritually than before.
I have never experienced death.  It has so much power. 

My Mom’s funeral was January 1 and with the finality of her passing I also had to face the beginning of a new year.  A new year I must face now without her.

I don’t wanna.